Dear Chicagoans,
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I will file for the mayoral race between November 15 and 22, but in order to run, first I will need 12,500 signatures from registered voters who live in Chicago. Shit. We live in the age of the internet, so, no problem! Please click the "like" button at Facebook.com/TheNextMayorOfChicago and I will let you know how you can help get signatures when the time is right. Or email me. Don't worry 'bout it. We'll get it done.
My Chicago Poetry Party Platform is simple. Make Chicago a fun place to live in and people will be happier. There will be less crime. Doesn't it seem like you are being punished sometimes for living in Chicago? Your taxes are high. You can't hang out without some undercover goon giving you the evil eye. Everything costs too much. There are cameras everywhere snapping your picture. You can't do anything without first getting a permit. What the hell? Why doesn't the city just let us have some real fun once in a while? Well, as the new Mayor of Chicago I am going to put an end to all of that crap.
Here are seven promises that I will KEEP. If Rahm, or Jesse, or whoever is masochistic enough to go against me, can't make real promises like this, then DON'T vote for them. As Chicago's new Mayor:
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--I will give the boot the boot. No longer will you be caught with a boot on your car when you are trying to get your mother to the hospital. That's just evil. There are less asshole-ish ways to get people to pay their parking tickets.
--I will push to allow bars to be granted a "smoking" permit so that smokers don't have to freeze their asses off in the winter, and so that pedestrians don't have to smell that awful stench each time they walk pass a tavern. If people want to go to a smoking bar why don't we let them?
--I am going to launch Operation Save Englewood, during which Chicago will make improvements to that neighborhood, paid for by a new tax on new construction condominiums. If the yuppies tear down this city's architecture in order to build cinder block boxes, then the yuppies are going to have to give Mrs. Jones some new siding for her house! And that's all there is to it!
--I will demand that the CTA bring back the "transfer." Right now if you want a bus transfer you have to get a Chicago Plus card that involves a credit card or bank account, and that is discriminatory to the poor. Everyone should have the same public transpiration rights in Chicago. Stop punishing the poor for being poor.
--Furthermore, I am going to lower the sales and property taxes. Your taxes are outrageous, Chicagoans. You need some relief and I will deliver it.
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Don't worry. I have a wonderful plan on how to pay for all of this, a plan that I will reveal when the time is right. I will expound on my platform as my campaign develops.
So get ready to vote for CJ Laity for Mayor of Chicago. I am going to run this city like a city, not like an internment camp.
Your next Mayor,
CJ Laity
PS, please help spread the word!!
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